Friday, 19 November 2010

12 O'Clock

Forget Jack Bauer and CTU (if you haven’t seen 24, then at this point you may as well go and do something else now. Perhaps go back to watching Morse, you fucking tedious individual).  There is a new TV sensation that is going to make you spend at least 35 quid on the boxset (plus merchandising, game and ringtone) and only get 4 hours of sleep for the next week. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you;

This gripping new series of seasonal series seasons is based around Jock Sour, the great grandson of John Logie Baird.  Jock is the lead agent for the Counter Nauseating and Unwatchable Television Unit (CNUT Unit).  His mission is simple; to hunt down and neutralise every television show that poses a direct threat to the nation’s collective intelligence.  Needless to say, he’s a busy little chap.  Oh and he’s also a raging alcoholic.  Because he’s Scottish. Got a problem with that have ye laddie?  Here is a wee taster of what is in store:


7pm – 8pm
Jock gets a phone call from the Director at CNUT Unit informing him that an as yet unidentified television production company is planning on making a TV show so inanely repulsive that it could potentially lower the national IQ by up to 45%. Jock is instructed to track down the producer and stop him at all costs. Clearly shaken by this news, Jock goes straight to the Pig and Fiddle and blows the froth off a few to calm his nerves. He also has a few wee drams to take the edge off.

About 5 past 8 - 2100
Following his instincts Jock heads for the X-Factor studios via Oddbins to pick up a bottle of Buckfast. On arrival he chins all the Buckie in one go, smashes the bottle over Louis Walsh’s head and glasses Simon Cowell in the face, all without once taking his eyes off Cheryl Cole’s tits. Cheryl is now whimpering with fear as Jock pulls down his pants and begins to urinate on the desk. She tearfully confesses she has heard that SyCo TV was approached by a producer to make a show called ‘Which One Of You Desperate Twats Wants A Celebrity Lovechild?’. Jock is forced to leave by security, but is somehow still able to cop a feel of Cheryl’s chest bollocks before he is dragged out. As the security guards are stamping on his head he notices one of them has a Thames Talkback company tattoo on his ankle.

Around 9 – 10pm
A badly beaten Jock heads to a nearby safe house / strip bar. Whilst there he drinks several restorative Newcastle Browns and has a lap dance. He makes a call to CNUT unit to get them to find out more about the Thames Talkback television company. Jock is shocked to learn that they are the same group responsible not only for X Factor but also for other atrocities such as the Apprentice, Pop Idol, Britain’s Got Talent and Celebrity Juice. Jock is so shocked he vomits copiously, but blames it on not having eaten all evening. He re-tops up with a refreshing half bottle of gin.

10ish – sometime around last orders
Inexplicably Jock is now wearing a pink sequined cowboy hat, only has one shoe and has blue WKD all down the front of his shirt. Jock gets a taxi to the Thames Talkback offices and is charged 100 quid clean-up costs for getting shit on the cab seat after pushing a fart too hard. At the offices he confronts the CEO of the company and waves his cock at her whilst shouting very, very loudly. The CEO informs Jock they are already preparing to film ‘Which One Of You Desperate Twats Wants A Celebrity Lovechild?’ in the studios right now and that the first episode is being shown live within the next hour. Jock quickly formulates a plan, necks the contents of his emergency hip flask and suffocates the CEO with his soiled underpants that he had stuffed in his pocket.

2300 – 12 o’clock
Jock stumbles over to the studios, grabbing a cheeky kebab on the way. He infiltrates the studio by falling through a plate glass window after leaning on it to take a piss. Now bloodied, barely coherent and still with his knob hanging out, Jock staggers onto the set just as the live feed for the show is being aired across the nation. Before Piers Morgan can begin his introduction Jock spots Myleene Klass in the judging panel and begins to masturbate live on TV. The OFCOM switchboard is immediately so swamped with complaints from Daily Mail readers that they are forced to order an airstrike directly on the studio. As the missiles hit Jock is blown through a wall, across the street and into an off-licence. A now relieved but emotionally wrecked Jock cries his heart out, downs some Famous Grouse and then texts a picture of his bollocks to an ex girlfriend and also, by accident, his mum.

Season Two teaser:  Jock gets a Majestics loyalty card and is sent to the jungle to take on Ant and Dec.


  1. Pure dead brilliant, so it is!

    Now there's a show that would be a huge hit.

    Who do we write to to make it so?


  2. Thanks CR, that's kind of you to say. I will continue to send my ideas to Broadcasting house....once they lift the injunction.


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