Friday 5 November 2010

Politician

Ooh fuck, here we go. I have wanted to say something about politicians since this blog started but every time I began to write I veered away from being frivolously humorous and became more ominously murderous.  This may get less and less funny as I rant on. I have also got a rounded wooden dowel on my desk to poke my lower intestine back up my anus as I tend to prolapse with anger every time I think about Ed…….fuck, that’s going to leave a stain on the chair……Balls.

For this piece I was going to loosely link the whole November 5th - Guy Fawkes - Gunpowder Plot - blowing up Government anti politics thing, but not only would this be a bit lazy, I also remembered old Guido’s motivation was primarily religious and therefore making him as much of a catholic twat as the protestant twats he was trying to turn into crispy crackling. 

Politicians are twats.  It’s a universal truth. You know they are twats. I know they are twats. And each one of them must at least have an inkling that they are a bit of a twat too.  It’s not a secret; in fact the definition of Politician in the dictionary could easily be shortened to one word.

By spouting my distaste at all politicians I am being deliberately apolitical.  Actually that’s wrong, it’s not deliberate it’s just that I can’t tell the difference between the political parties anymore.  It’s like staring down the unfocussed telescopic sight of a sniper rifle and trying to pick out which of the blurry images is Fearne Cotton or Holly Willoughby. Frankly it’s impossible. But that’s OK because I am quite happy to just blaze away at all of them anyway. 

The policies of the ‘opposing’ parties are also more or less the same.  The gap between the Tory and Labour policies on education are as thin and small as a catholic priests speedos on a Sunday School swimming trip.  This is because politicians spend most of their political life scrabbling over the middle ground of policy-making in order to not appear controversial and risk losing their valuable seat.  And this is the key point; Politicians do not care about you.  They care about looking like they care about you so they can care for themselves and keep their seat of power.

There is no altruism in Westminster; every single one of them is looking to further their careers and that’s all there is to it. How many MPs have you seen recently resign their seat in protest over an issue they feel strongly about? Exactly.  Just like a fat kid fighting tooth and nail in the playground to keep hold of his lunchbox, they will do anything to keep hold of their power because power tastes as good as a Ben 10 box full of Cheesestrings and Penguin bars. 

But it’s not just seats in parliament they want. Oh no, these fuckers are by their very nature ambitious and power hungry. It’s why they are there in the first place.  They want to go all the way and will do any of the shit jobs to get there.  None of them want to be the Secretary of State for Transport. How fucking dull is that? No, they all want the cooler and sexier jobs like the Home or Foreign secretary because they get to mess about with spies in MI5 and MI6 and have secret meetings in bunkers 100 metres under Whitehall.  Do you really think Chris Hume gives a steaming shit about re-evaluating the current policy on educational league tables? Or does he dream of sitting behind a large mahogany desk watching a live video feed of a suspected terrorist getting the good news from a car battery and a wet sponge?

We of course must shoulder some of the blame; we voted the buggers into office in the first place. But then 51 percent of the British public believe that Darwin's theory of evolution is incomplete and that intelligent design must be somehow involved. Plus we are also the same voting public that allowed Jordan to become unbelievably famous*.  We are all equally dim and to blame. When you look at the viewing figures for I’m A Celebrity it should not come as a complete surprise that we managed to elect an over privileged, game show host buffoon as the Lord Mayor of London – our stupidity is boundless. 

Don’t worry though, because as always, I have a half-baked plan.  I won’t bore you with the details now, but it primarily involves the appointment of a new independent parliamentry position; The Twat Finder General. This protector of the people shall stalk the corridors of power with a cricket bat ensuring twat levels in the government are kept to an acceptable minimum. The sound of righteousness is that of a piece of seasoned willow thwacking off the cranium of a smarmy prick in a suit.  I suspect he is going to need a few spare bats.


*A little aside on Jordan. Why is she still famous?  OK, I understand how she got famous – young men used to quite enjoy masturbating over pictures of her when she got her boobs out in men’s lifestyle magazines.  I get that.  But that was over 10 years ago.  I can’t believe that young men are still masturbating over her?  There are toothless Rwandan gang enforcers that are sexier than her, plus it’s hard to knock one out when you keep fetching up bile in the back of your throat. I know; I’ve tried.  So right now she is famous for being a woman who used to get her knockers out, has ‘written’ three books about getting her knockers out and appeared in a few reality TV shows with her knockers out.  Not a single man has masturbated over a picture of her for the best part of a decade and she has made £40 million so far.  I hope all those young men are feeling more guilty than usual after that cheeky wank over FHM in 2003 – LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. 

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