Thursday 30 September 2010

Welcome

Firstly some minor points just to clarify what’s going on here:
  • Yes, it’s a blog.
  • Yes, I am aware this raises me to new and breathtaking heights of cuntishness that I have previously struggled to achieve.
  • There will most likely only be a handful of posts between now and when I give up.


Why am I doing this? As you may be aware I quite like occasionally being opinionated and offensive on Facebook.  As a natural evolution of this I have come to realise that I might quite enjoy expanding some of my views in the form of a blog.  Whether you, dear reader, will gain any pleasure from reading this is frankly of little care.  Make no mistake; this is nothing more than me masturbating in textual form for my own smug satisfaction. Should you wish to avoid getting your left cerebral hemisphere spattered with my text spunk, then I advise you stop reading now.

I also do not have any real plans as to what I am going to write about, so further entries will be as much of a surprise to me as it will be to you.  I have a vague inclination to perhaps air my current grievances, discuss international affairs and supply intellectual discourses on the nature of man. However, given my level of wit this will more likely end up being a sad chronological catalogue of half baked jokes about having sex with animals.

On the upside, should I ever go on holiday I won’t need to write postcards, I can just text you and demand you read my blog to discover what cocktails I have been drinking and what colour they have made my poo.  Not that I ever write postcards anyway, but if I did this would be have been a real benefit.

I am also planning on writing the vast majority of this whilst at work, so you may infer from my quality and frequency of posting exactly how busy I am / how much I care about my work.  Happily I can now add blogging to the List Of Things I Get Paid To Do At Work. It’s now right up there with activities such as;

1.  Urination
2.  Defecation
3.  Eating and drinking as much as I can in to increase the time spent urinating and defecating
4.  Telling co-workers I used to be in the army
4a. Staring enigmatically into the middle distance while refusing to talk about The War
5.  Putting my own name into Google images to see what comes up
6.  Pressing Ctrl + Alt + Down Cursor on co-workers work terminals when they leave their desks
7.  Not telling co-workers how to undo the effect of 6. (Do you have the balls to try this now?)

This is not intended to be a humorous list. I genuinely do most of these things on a regular basis. The frequency of my number 2. is inexorably linked to the amount of fibre in 3.

So there we go; my first blog entry.  That wasn’t so bad was it? In my next post I will reveal what is currently in my pockets and why I hope the police don’t stop me.

Followers