Manifesto Z

I think that what this country needs is a bit of a shake up.  Allow me to ask you a few questions: Do you agree Britain needs to pull itself up off the dirty sofa of mediocrity, wipe the congealed semen of social strife from its tracksuit bottoms, brush the Dorrito crumbs of corruption from its T-shirt and open the curtains to a brand new life of heroism and greatness? Do you find your life mundane, routine and lacking excitement? Do you enjoy casual violence?

If you answered yes, yes and oh my, by the ball sweat of St George YES!! Then I hope you will support an idea that I am going to propose to the assortment of animated turds in suits that are currently sitting in Government.  Now stick with me on this because what I am putting to you is a strategy for social reform that is so groundbreaking it will make Hitler’s efforts look as insignificant as a small memo posted on a Health and Safety notice board.

My plan begins with getting the UK criminals and rounding them all up.  Now I realise that most of the Really Bad Ideas in history generally begin with the premise ‘Round them all up’, but I think this time it will be different. No really, what the fuck does history know anyway? In fact scratch that, we don’t need to round up all the criminals do we? They are all currently in prison so already nicely herded. Good start.  Next, and this is where things might start to get a little controversial, we take our top scientists and get them to turn all our prison inmates into zombies.  Still with me?  Good.  So now we have the entire population of the UK prison system (95,000 and counting) transformed into vicious, slavering, murderous zombies, but safely behind bars.  At this stage I must point out that these are not the shuffling, shambling, arms outstretched Ramero type zombies, but will be the nasty, fast, bitey ones like in 28 Days Later.  That bit is important.

The next stage is where I randomly release these insane criminal zombies across the UK, a dozen or so at a time every few days. Probably more at weekends.  They will be dropped off by special Zombie Vans that play tinkly ice-cream music as they merrily open their doors and release their scrabbling, deadly, crazed animated corpse cargo into the general population.

I am aware that this might give some people a bit of cause for concern. After all, the last thing most people want is to have their intestines dragged out from their abdomen by a screaming nightmare mutant that once used to be a violent drug dealer, especially while they are browsing around Ikea. Although in some respects this might be seen as a blessed relief by some.  But do not fear good citizen because Big Uncle Dave won’t allow this to happen.  The second part of my proposal is that all good, law abiding, tax paying people will be licensed to carry an array of weapons with which they can defend themselves.

So this is where it gets interesting.  Essentially the government (i.e. me) will issue you a weapon or weapons according to your social worth and value.  Never been arrested? Have a small pistol.  Regularly pay tax, with no defaulting? Good chap, have a shotgun. Been in gainful employment for a continuous period of 3 years? Well done, have a rifle. 10 years you say? Well in that case have a machine gun. Screw it, have two.  On this basis the more honest, lawful and hard working you are, the better you are equipped to defend yourself and your loved ones from the continual bombardment of brutal living dead wrong doers.  Plus you get to strut about with some serious hardware, which goes without saying, is fucking cool.

Let me break down the benefits, in list form (I like lists, and I know you do too because if you have read this far then I assume you are a moron and lists are nice and easy to read):

Criminal Population Dramatically Reduced – At least they should be as long as Joe Public zero their weapons properly and apply good marksmanship principles.  As an added bonus the empty prisons can be turned into accommodation for the homeless, or some shit like that.

Childhood Obesity Eradicated – Kids aren’t allowed guns. I’m not that stupid.  So Tubby Thompson had better start working on his middle distance running performance otherwise he’s going be turned into zombie poop.

Unemployment Reduced – Can’t be arsed to get a job and prefer to live on state hand outs? Well that’s perfectly fine, but you might find yourself trying to fight off a zombie attack with a small, blunt piece of wet bamboo.  I reckon Job Centres will need to fit revolving doors.

Rise In Education Standards – The better you do in exams and the higher the level of education you have, the bigger the gun you get on graduation day.  I would have tried harder in maths if there was the promise of a double barreled 12 gauge at the end of it.

Increased Levels of Charity – So you don’t feel your Lee Enfield .303 has enough stopping power? Want something with a bit more grunt? Well put in 80 hours of volunteering at your local donkey sanctuary and you will be eligible to pick up a nice shiny new belt fed grenade launcher.

Reduced Celebrity Bullshit – Everytime you appear in a celebrity magazine, work on a reality TV show or release an album that you can’t successfully perform live without miming, you will be downgraded. Basically, Cheryl Cole will end up defending herself from the savaging undead hordes with nothing more than a sharpened raspberry flavoured popsicle. Let’s hope it’s a hot day.

So imagine this; you are walking into your office one morning and from out of the stationery cupboard bursts a slavering, howling paedophile zombie demon going full on mental and generally upsetting people.  With one smooth action you reach inside your trench coat, draw out your pump action assault shotgun (which you have just been awarded after giving trumpet lessons at the local orphanage) and blam, blam, blam; social justice in action. And that corking bit of fluff Janine from accounts probably wants to breed with you now too.

There are of course some finer details that need sorting out, but I’m just an ideas man really and can’t be bothered to give it much more thought.  But I do like the idea that a 50 year old Matron nurse who has had to do double shifts for most of her career, not got a criminal record and is generally a nice lady will probably end up cruising around in a tank and have a fighter jet parked on her driveway, but I think she’s earned it.

Oh and a quick inside tip; if this does work out then be sure to buy shares in a dry-cleaning business, because those guys are going to be seriously busy.